This blog has been renamed and relocated!

I have changed the name of my blog from http://blog.jamesvoconnor.com to http://facingtheworldbook.com to better reflect what it is all about. It will focus more on the various ways people deal with the pressures that our culture puts on people to look attractive. The blog under the current name will remain accessible for several months.

F-Bomb in movies can be irrelevant and irreverent

I love movies, but I often wonder who killed off all the scriptwriters who could create drama and comedy without using the F-word—like they still do on network TV shows. A few decades ago, the word either shocked or amused audiences, and stimulating emotions was part of the entertainment. Now, it has become boring.

According to Wikipedia, the F-word was used 398 times in the 1995 movie Casino. Okay, we assume mobsters talk that way. What about the 2008 comedy Zack and Miri Make a Porno? How many viewers hoped to see some sex, but what they got was the word—219 times. In one scene the main character, who worked in a coffee shop, shouted it repeatedly in front of customers who didn’t bat an eye. Hollywood seems to think everybody talks that way all the time, and moviegoers are believing it.

I admit, the word can be versatile, expressing either joy or sorrow, elation or depression, pain or ecstasy. But that’s the problem. It’s lazy language that often fails to communicate. If a friend sent you a one-sentence text message saying “I got f**ked yesterday,” you wouldn’t know whether to congratulate him or recommend a lawyer.

In real life, the F-bomb is typically used to complain, criticize, or tell someone off. It expresses anger, impatience, hostility, belligerence. It can be rude, crude, and crass. It really doesn’t make us pleasant to be with, help us make friends, make us sound intelligent, win arguments, strengthen our family relationships, get jobs or earn promotions. Myabe saying makes you feel good, but it sounds bad, and makes you look bad.

photo by NeueDeutsche

No one pities pretty people

Girls like cute guys, but do they like cute girls? On the same note, do guys admire handsome men?

I'm generalizing but not stereotyping when I say women are jealous of other women who are attractive. They consider the good-looking girls to be competition, and get angry when the men fawn all over them. "She's not that great," they mutter, commenting on her stringy hair, square jaw, or bent baby toe--whatever flaws they see that are invisible to men. Am I wrong? When a lovely lady leaves the room, ask they guys what she was wearing and what color it was. "Huh?" Then ask the women. They notice everything from her ankle bracelet to the way she flipped her hair. And if she eventually gains weight or starts to lose her looks, other women are pleased to see her knocked down a notch.

Pretty women need to be exceptional nice to other women to cultivate their friendship. And if they are TOO friendly with the guys, the wrong ones will ask them out, pursue them, even stalk them.

Men, on the other hand, kind of like having a good-looking guy around to serve as a magnet for women. But handsome men, especially tall ones, are under pressure. They are expected to be good athletes. To be leaders and decision makers. Employers will put them in sales or management positions, but are less tolerant if they fail.

Okay, I know I'm not convincing anyone to feel sorry for the beautiful people of the world. There is no denying they have advantages. But we should not resent them, envy them, or compare ourselves to them. Just be the best we can be with what we have.

photo by rogertikkitovi

Governor Mark Sanford: What everyone wants to see.

Political scandals make big news, and when a married man's affair comes to light, everyone wants to know two things. First, what does the "other woman" look like? We assume she is good looking and sexy, otherwise he would not get involved. Second question: What does his wife look like? We expect her to be the opposite, driving him to a more appealing part-time partner.

As I write this, Governor Sanford's wife has been seen in the news. What do you think? Be honest! His Argentine lover has not yet surfaced, so we will keep following the news until we can see her and pass judgment. If she is a babe, we will understand what atttracted him to her, but will consider him shallow. If she isn't, we will say,"He left his wife for that?"

When I say we, I mean most of us, men and women. It's human nature. If we read as well as look, we will learn that the governor and his wife were having marital troubles and had separated. Maybe the woman was the cause, but their problems are probably more complicated. And it seems his relationship with the other woman was based on friendship and then love, not foolish lust. In other words, personality, compatibility, common interests, and other considerations are factored in, not just physical attraction. It takes more than sex for an important public figure to buy a ticket to Argentina and disappear for five days.

And I'm sure you are wondering who the cute girl is in the photo with Governor Sanford. If she were a large, older woman you would be less curious. She is Nicole Modeen, a citizen visiting the governor who also happens to be a budding photographer. Interestingly, her bio on flickr is brief: "I'm female and taken." I guess she is concerned that, because she is cute, her picture will attract unwanted suitors.

The point is, we are all influenced by physical appearance, and often make false judgments because of it.

Some interesting facts about beauty

The emphasis on beauty is nothing new. Aristotle (384-322 B.C.) claimed that "Personal beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of reference."

Helen of Troy, who represented the power of beauty, possessed "the face that launched a thousand ships." Kidnapped repeatedly, she seemed oblivious to all the fuss made over her. Nothing much was written about her personality, as if it didn't matter.

In the eighteen century, American women washed themselves in the urine of young boys in an attempt to erase their freckles.

Americans spend more money each year on beauty enhancements than they do on education.

According to a 2003 study in the U.K., a woman's face is most beautiful and alluring when she is ovulating. Another study claims that women prefer masculine-looking men when they are ovulating, but other times of the month prefer men with softer features that symbolize social and caring behavior.

These tidbits are from "Looks," a book by Gordon L. Patzer, Ph.D.

Photo by RobW

Tabloid picks on overweight celebrities

Celebrities have fat-fighting challenges like everyone else, and the The National Enquirer periodically shows us flab on famous figures. Readers react in several ways. For one thing, it makes us feel better about ourselves to see that celebrity bodies--male and female--are not so perfect after all. At the same time, we think "How dare they get fat!" And if we have compassion, we feel sorry for them, humiliated by unflattering photos. If you think you are stressed by your suddenly sagging gut or butt, imagine the agony movie stars endure with every unwanted new pound of mush.

These two photos show how Keely Shaye Smith and husband Pierce Brosnan no longer have the same body type, although I'm not sure how former Agent 007 Pierce looks these days. Keely is the extreme case featured in the June 22, 2009, Enquirer. Some of the other alleged chubs in that issue look pretty good to me, especially for their age. Among the actressses and models on display are at ages when just about every woman loses her girlish figure: 40, 43, 46, 54, and 62.

photo by Scarletsaarelainen

It's not always the way you look, but the way you speak

At yesterday's book fair in Chicago (Lit Fest), a man named Gary spotted my book, CUSS CONTROL, and told me an acquaintance of his said he hasn't been able to find a new girl friend. His former girl friend broke up with him two years ago. Gary told me the guy's lament included complaints about "women today" and was laced with the F-word. It's no wonder, Gary told me, that women found him undesirable. I asked Gary if he suggested that his friend try adjusting his attitude and his language. He said no.

I've heard similar stories--even people telling me their best friend is foul-mouthed at the wrong place and time. They never offer a bit of constructive criticism. Some people swear so much they aren't aware that they do it, and who other than a friend should be pointing out that their language is excessive?

As for the negative attitude, that's usually what prompts the profanity. A person can be smart, good-looking and successful, but if his or her attitude and language are abrasive, others will shy away.

photo by Gooner-Licious

Backlash over digitally enhanced beauty

The recent "100 Most Beautiful" issue of People magazine included pictures of 11 celebrities without makeup. A series of covers of the French version of Elle magazine features movie stars with no makeup or retouching.
"There is a hunger for authencity," said the editor of Glamour in the May 28 issue of The New York Times.
Complaints about the unattainable standards of beauty presented by the media have surfaced with different degrees of intensity over the years, but more so now because of the digital power to lengthen necks, enlarge eyes, trim down noses, plump up lips, and raise checkbones. To see how it is done, go to YouTube and search for Extreme Beauty Makeover. The video by Dove is among the best.
Skillfully applied makeup can make the average non-model out for the evening look more appealing, and that's okay. As for the movie stars, we expect them to look spectacular, but when Photoshop makes them unrecognizable, their beauty becomes a hoax that everyone can see.
Photo by Berta!

Books to help teens deal with appearance problems

Since my wife and I are heading to New York for the annual Book Expo America, I thought this would be a good time to mention some interesting books on beauty that I have been reading. However, most of them focus on the reality that looks do matter, with only a smattering of advice on how to overcome the bias.

Instead, below are four books for young adults that are far more helpful. I have not yet read them all, so I will review them one at a time later.

"Thirteen Reasons Why," a best-selling young adult novel by Jay Asher. This one I have read, and it is an interesting tale of a young girl who commits suicide and leaves more than just a note explaining why. A variety of cruel acts and thoughtless slights from different classmates make readers realize the potential tragic results of teasing, starting rumors, and simply being insensitive.

"My feet aren't Ugly," by Debra Beck, a girl's guide to loving herself from the inside out. Includes some illustrations and pages for journaling.

"You'd be so pretty if..." by Dara Chadwick. The author grew up listening to her mother bemoan the shape of her eyes, her thighs, and everything in between. She tells mothers how to avoid conditioning their daughters with bad body images.

"Empowering Teens to Build Self-Esteem," by Suzanne E. Harrill. Written in 1993, but a fourth printing in 2007. It's an easy-to-read 79-page book for adolescents, but also written for parents teachers, and counselors.

Most people look like you

Most people discontent with the way they look tend to compare themselves with movie stars, models, or the best looking people they know. Big mistake. Physically beautiful people are rare. Just look around you! As for models and movie stars, they work hard at looking good, and photographers for tabloids like the National Enquirer often capture them looking like the rest of us as they push their baby buggies or head for the grocery store.

Los Angeles has more cosmetic surgeons per capita than any other U.S. city, but their creative skills do not guarantee their clients success. Fake boobs, for example, have not made Pamela Anderson a box-office bonanza. The most successful actresses don't even bother with padding, such as Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Keira Knightly, Meryl Streep, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, and Natalie Portman. As for overall looks, the best you might call some of them is "interesting."

Photo of Natalie Portman